You may have noticed that I haven't updated this blog for several months now. It's mainly because this year has been really tough at work - not because I've had a difficult project to work on, or anything like that. No, this year has been a year of massive changes, and until recently my professional future was looking very uncertain indeed. But let me start at the beginning.
Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, there was an organisation called the DSIR (Department of Scientific and Industrial Research). And in 1992 it was split into a number of different kingdoms, called Crown Research Institutes, or CRIs. And one CRI was called Industrial Research Limited (IRL). It comprised the physics and chemistry bits of the DSIR that didn't fit in any of the other CRIs.
I started working at IRL as a summer student in November 1999. At the end of the summer I was finally starting to make some progress on the project, and my timetable for the semester meant that I had a free day every week. So I approached my supervisor and asked if it would be ok for me to continue working. He thought about it for about 0.3 seconds and said 'Sure!' (or words to that effect). One contract led to another, and about a year later he asked me what I was planning on doing in 2002 (the year after my honours degree) and had I thought about doing a PhD because he had a project that would be good for me. I hadn't thought about it, but the opportunity seemed pretty good so I took it up.
After my PhD I was offered a fixed term post-doctoral contract for 2 years, based at Imperial College in London. This was where I first got stuck into synchrotron experiments, which is my core activity today. After a year there, various circumstances led to me being able to relocate to Stanford University, where I spent another year and a bit. In September 2007 I returned to New Zealand and to a permanent position at IRL.
A research scientist's job is not like other professions. We don't do it for the money. We do it for the fun, because we enjoy it, for the things you might discover along the way, for the work that isn't the same year-in year-out but is always changing and developing. As a result, we don't fit the mould of the average person who stays in a job for 2 or 3 years and then moves somewhere else. We don't (usually) change careers 6 times in our working lives. We're in it for the long haul. I've now been associated with IRL for 14 years, and that's not particularly unusual.
Back to the story about IRL.
In mid-2012 there is talk about the New Zealand government establishing an 'Advanced Technology Institute', of which IRL would be a major part. This pleased our CEO at the time as it was something he had been pushing, to expand IRL and position it to have a greater impact in NZ. In December it was formally announced that IRL would merge with parts of other organisations and government departments on 1 February.
On 1 February IRL ceased to exist and with much fanfare the new organisation was announced: "Callaghan Innovation". Yeah, that's what we thought - 'Huh?' Callaghan, after the late Sir Paul Callaghan, a proponent of science transforming NZ to a high-tech economy instead of relying on primary industries (farming, forestry) and tourism. An explanation was offered to us that they didn't want a three-letter acronym (TLA), they had to name it after Sir Paul, and they wanted it to reflect our mandate which is to 'accelerate the commercialisation of innovation of NZ firms'. Whatever that means. So not something sensible like the Callaghan Research Institute, but no; a name that has most people scratching their heads. We were expressly told it was not to be abbreviated to 'CI' (although it has been). But that didn't stop us from shortening it to 'Callavation', which I think rolls off the tongue quite nicely. We also got given new email addresses along the lines of joseph.bloggs@callaghaninnovation.govt.nz. A bit of a mouthful if your name is, say, Alexander Prendergast. Or Samantha Williams-Johnston. Or any of the employees who are from India.
Anyway that was just the beginning of CI - I mean, Callaghan Innovation. Soon afterwards all of the teams in the 'Research, Science, Engineering, Technology and Design Delivery Group' (you'd think I was making that up - I'm not. It was subsequently shortened from 'RSETD' to 'SET' after too many people laughed too cynically) were asked to prepare a document for the 'SET alignment process'. Basically this amounted to all the teams having to justify their existence in the new organisation. We had to present a document detailing our current linkages with industry, how we could accelerate commercialisation of innovation in the firms we work with, and discuss different options for us in the event that it was decided our team would not stay in Callaghan Innovation.
As I said before, it's not unusual for scientists to stay in one institution for long periods of time, or even their entire working lives. So to be asked 'where do you think you could go if we don't want you anymore' is quite a distressing thing to think about. Personally I am very resistant to change anyway, and so by mid-April I was in a real mess about this. On 24 April I decided to fast until my heart was settled. I called my pastor during the day and asked if I could visit and if we could pray together about this. It helped immensely; all my anxiety was replaced by peace, and a deep-rooted knowledge that God has everything in control.
In July the corporate Statement of Intent was released. I was actually in Melbourne at the time, doing some synchrotron experiments. In hindsight this was a good thing, as it gave me a week to process what it all meant while being outside the environment of everyone else at CI. Two major changes in the function of the organisation direct affect me and my work: (1) CI will not be bidding for contestable funding, and (2) the organisation will stop doing fundamental science and concentrate on near-to-market research. Very quickly I realised that since 99% of what I do classes as 'fundamental science', I no longer had a future at Callaghan Innovation. Inexplicably, I had peace about this. I wasn't worried - I knew that God is in control. He got me the job there in the first place, and if He was moving me on to somewhere or something else, so be it.
Following the announcement, team discussions began again in earnest. It turned out the SET alignment process was a complete waste of time, as we were basically asked once again to think about alternative futures for ourselves. At morning tea one day, I was saying how for me, remaining in the Wellington region was more important to me than remaining in science. With my skills I could get a job at any synchrotron facility around the world. But I've done my time overseas, and nowhere else will ever be 'home' like my hometown. Someone suggested that I could look to transfer to GNS (Institute of Geological and Nuclear Sciences) - another CRI which is also in the experimental physics space. I instantly had peace about this and started making enquiries through various people in management there whom I already knew. They seemed very enthusiastic about bringing me on board.
At the end of July we had a meeting with the Acting GM of the SET group. Our team (Applied Maths) was effectively splintered: two people had already transferred to the geothermal modelling group at GNS, another two wanted to move their research to a university, I didn't see myself staying and was seeking to be transferred to the Materials group at GNS. This left 5 people remaining, who would most likely merge with another team.
Through August and September I had various meetings with GNS. In early October I had a trip to the US for a conference, which was kind of unproductive, but it did give me a welcome break from the negative atmosphere that was developing through a lack of communication from senior management about any of the changes or the process.
However, the Friday before I left, I received news from GNS that they could not find enough funding to support my position and that CI would need to sweeten the deal somehow. I got in touch straightaway with the GM (of Research and Technical Services, RaTS; formerly SET Delivery Group) who said he will sort it out. It then took him another two weeks to use a phone and call his equivalent at GNS to discuss this. They agreed to transfer me with 3 years' 0.7 FTE (full-time equivalent) funding.
On 21 October I was asked to send my CV and a few other documents to my prospective team leader at GNS - one of which was basically material for a career stage review. These were to go to their senior executive to make a decision about where I would fit in the organisation. Their next meeting was to be held on 4 November, with a look to finalising the transfer around 18 November.
In the weeks following I found myself increasingly demotivated and unable to work. I would turn up in the morning and stare at my computer screen. At the end of each day I could only account for 3 or 4 hours' worth of actual work. One day I found myself staring at the screen, and asked myself, 'What are you thinking about?' The answer - 'Nothing. Nothing at all.' I took a few days' stress leave, talked to my manager about it, and determined that I was entitled to take sick leave, so I decided I would do this until either the leave all ran out (I had about 50 days' worth accumulated) or things were sorted.
At the end of November I went to another conference in Melbourne. Again, it was good to have a break from the environment at work. But when I arrived back in Wellington, even at the airport waiting for the shuttle to the carpark, I started to feel overwhelmed again. The sense of having been in limbo for so long, the uncertainty... in the car, I couldn't hold back the tears any more. I turned off the radio and just started praying, declaring God's goodness and His promises to protect and provide, acknowledging His sovereignty in all things and how He is in control, how He has good plans for us and His ways are higher than ours. I confessed my inability and inadequacy to do anything, and how I didn't want to do this in my own strength any more. Yet at the same time, also realising that although this is so hard to deal with, it is not just something random happening to me, but it is part of His plan and is happening at this time for a reason.
When I turned the radio back on, I caught the Bible verse that is read out at the end of the news. 'Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God is with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.' I knew this was for me.
Then when I got home, I flipped through the mail, including a catalogue from Manna (a local Christian bookstore). The page that fell open had a picture of a cup and plaque with that exact same verse on it.
The next day, reminding myself constantly of this verse, I went in to work and applied for sick leave for the week. I sent an email to the GM to ask where things were at. On the Tuesday he replied and said, 'When you're back on deck, let's get together and discuss the options for transfer or retention.' This disturbed me, and I replied to say that I could come in to meet any time; the reason I was away was because I was waiting for this to get sorted out, so I would prefer to meet sooner rather than later. We agreed to meet on Thursday morning, and on Wednesday night I again sought prayer from my pastor.
On Thursday I met with the GM and my group leader (who also leads the Materials team at CI). The GM began by explaining where things had got to in his discussions with GNS. They had been haggling over a price, and had reached a figure that CI might consider - $210k p.a. for 3 years. This included a contract I was named on which runs until Oct 2014. But, he said, that still came to over $500k that CI would have to find to transfer me, and the more he thought about it, it made no sense.
"Why would I send you to GNS, when for that amount of money we could keep you in CI, doing the synchrotron work, all expenses paid, for more than 3 years?"
He then said that he had been talking with my group manager and they would welcome me into the Materials team (which would always have been a better fit for me than Applied Maths anyway - in fact, this had been proposed to me by the Materials team leader way back in February during the initial SET alignment discussions).
I asked, "So what about the Statement of Intent and CI not doing fundamental science any more?"
He kind of rolled his eyes and said, "Don't read too much into that, it's written for politicians. The term 'fundamental science' is a spectrum anyway. And what is 'fundamental' now will be 'near-to-market' in ten years' time. If we're not doing that work now, we'll become obsolete very quickly. There's a range of research that we do. All that's happened in going from IRL to Callaghan Innovation is that the bulk of our focus has moved from the middle towards the commercialisation end. But there will always be the extremes, and we need to do that kind of work." He added, "I don't expect you to make a decision straightaway, but we would very much like you to stay. The synchrotron work that you do is really valuable to the organisation and would be an excellent tool for us to be able to offer industry."
"When do I need to let you know?" I said - thinking about how I'd prefer not to think about it until after the Taupo Cycle Challenge, which was on that weekend.
"It's basically up to you."
I left the meeting and headed home. After all, I was still on sick leave that day and the next. I had peace about it, but I kept praying for confirmation. I laid both options on the table - to take up his offer, or to insist that I still wanted to transfer to GNS. I made a list of pros and cons of both courses of action. I no longer had peace about transferring. To do so now could be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I didn't really know any of the people at GNS or what it would be like to work with them. On the other hand, I had worked with many of the people in the Materials team at IRL before, during my time as a student, and had a good rapport with them. It was a case of better the devil you know than the devil you don't. I had just been given an offer of 3 years' job security. That's about as good as you can expect these days anywhere in the science system. And if it all turns to custard in the future, I can leave then just as easily as now.
What probably clinched it for me was the passage I had read in the Bible that morning: Genesis 22, Abraham being told by God to offer his son Isaac as a sacrifice. Then at the last minute, God says, 'Ok, that's enough' and shows Abraham a ram for him to offer instead. I had, like Abraham, let go of my emotional attachment to this thing that defined my life, this thing God had provided. I was ready for it to be taken away, and trusting that God would provide something else in its place, or whatever. It was as if God was saying to me, 'That's far enough; no need to go down this path any further.'
So on the Monday I emailed the GM and cced everyone else at CI who had been involved in all the discussions along the way, and told him that I had decided to accept his offer to stay in CI and transfer into the Materials team. I paid a visit to the team's science support co-ordinator (who handles a lot of the administration and, unbeknownst to me, had actually been bugging people behind the scenes that they needed to hurry up and make a decision about this because it was really starting to affect me). She showed me an office they had picked out for me, and I moved in that week. I got a new computer, since IT had been threatening to replace mine for over a year, but with being away and then with the uncertainty about whether I would be staying or not (not to mention the hassle of copying files and installing dozens of programs) I had previously declined. It felt like a new job.
Now we are all on a 2-week break over Christmas and new year. Things are still in a state of flux; the Business Plan has only just been released (it was supposed to be 2-3 weeks after the Statement of Intent) and the science teams are having yet another review and planning their activities for the next 1-2, 2-3, 3-5 years. Two teams are leaving CI and becoming research institutes of Victoria University, although they will remain on site, at least in the short term.
It's still too early for me to be able to see the full picture of why God allowed (and is allowing) all this to happen. Why did I have peace about moving to GNS initially, and then it waned? I know God doesn't change His mind, so what happened there? All I can think of at the moment is that it was necessary to get CI's senior management to really see the value of having me there. If I had sought to transfer into the Materials team straight away, I might not have the 3 year guarantee that I now have.
The experience has also taught me hugely about what it means to trust God in all things. We so easily sing, 'You give and take away, You give and take away, My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name' - but until we're in the position where the only thing you can do is cling to Him, it's just words.
I've also realised how much I depend on my own strength to do things. Our pride holds us back and stops us asking others for help. We're afraid people will think we are weak if we ask for prayer. We can think, 'My problem's not as big as that other person's problem; I'll just keep it to myself.' I really struggled with what it means to do things in God's strength. Not too long ago I read the story of Abram and Sarai in Genesis 16-17. God had promised Abram a son. Sarai convinces him to have a child through his maidservant, Hagar. Ishmael is born. God appears to Abram again, renames him Abraham and his wife Sarah, and promises that He will make His covenant through Isaac (the son born to Sarah), not Ishmael. Sarai's actions of having Hagar bear the child is an example of doing things in our own strength. It is acting the way the world would act. On several occasions during this process, the two members of our team who moved to Auckland University, in the end, urged me to set up meetings with GNS and generally make things happen for myself. One of them is the only person who has expressed any negativity about me staying in CI, when I told him. He changed his tune a bit when I pointed out I wouldn't have had 3 years' certainty at GNS to carry on doing what I'm doing with the synchrotron work.
Yet doing things in God's strength - looking now at the birth of Isaac - wasn't about Sarah and Abraham sitting around waiting for God to do everything. No, they still had to do their part for Isaac to be conceived. Even though in the natural it shouldn't have been possible, they acted as if it could happen.
The important thing for me now is not to forget all of this - what has happened, and what God has taught me through it all. It disturbs me how quickly my prayer life has fallen away since the situation was resolved. I know that we seek the Lord more earnestly in times of difficulty than in times of ease. Maybe that can be my new year's resolution: to give thanks to Him every day when I arrive at work for the things He has provided and the way He has engineered it.
I apologise for the length of this post. But I didn't feel it was right to write about any of this while I was in the middle of it.
